Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Randomize
