Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
tonight lets celebrate not being married
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
