you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
