4 words: hood of his car
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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