She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
