There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
