the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize