if you like me you must not know who I am
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
