I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
