I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize