You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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