Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
