do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
