this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
be right there i have to get my cape
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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