Tell her she can't have a vagina
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
