he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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