i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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