I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
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That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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