You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just forgot I was standing up.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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