final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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