his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
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Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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