I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
