Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
