Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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