Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
