You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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