also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She's the barista slut.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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