The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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