Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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