Betty ford says i'm here all night
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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