If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino