K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
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how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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