Pants 0. Shit 1.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
