My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
