Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
