we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Drunk is a universal language darling
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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