then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
