I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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