he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
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