3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
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Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
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He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle