they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize