I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
