Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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