Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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