i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
