Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
