ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
