So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
