is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
