It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize