omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
