how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
