this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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