God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
